What A Difference a Week Makes

So, there's this girl. She's relatively new in the ward here. I started talking to her after FHE several weeks ago now. It was just friendly, get-to-know-you kind of stuff. Then I started sitting by her at church. It started out as, "I need a place to sit, there is an open spot on the aisle, so I'll sit there." I talked with her after FHE the next week. We seemed to be connecting on certain things, but I thought she dominated the last hour of our conversation. I wasn't sure what that meant. I kept sitting by her at church. I talked to her again after FHE last week, but this time she let me dominate the conversation. So I figured asking her on a date was long over due. She had plans for friday, but was open on Saturday. Except we had stake conference this weekend. Well, we could do something after the Saturday evening session. Then her Friday plans fell through. So we bumped up our plans a day. We spent all night talking at her place.

We still had conference to go to the next night, so we kept the plan to go together.  This is where things changed.  We'd been scooting a bit closer together throughout the first part of the meeting.  And then she asked me a question:

"Could you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, absolutely.  What do you need?"

"Could you put your arm around me?"

It wasn't what I had expected, but I wasn't about to turn her down.  

We've now done something every night since then. This has all gone kind of fast for me. I've been in somewhat of a similar situation before, however. Some of you may know something about another girl I dated a few years back named Linda. That went really fast. Ever since Linda and I broke up, I've been really cautious about girls. Too cautious. I felt like I needed to be absolutely sure about a girl before I even asked her out. But that took so long that the moment passed and nothing happened.

This has been fast, but not as fast as with Linda. This has been different. I feel like taking this chance has been validated, at least so far. I don't want to jump to any conclusions.  I just want to see where this new situation takes me. It's been awhile for me, and this feels pretty good so far.

Tabling Things For Awhile

Why is it easier to talk about things, i.e. feelings for another person, after the potential for a relationship with that person is cut off? I do know why, because there is no more risk involved, there is no more pressure. But why does it have to be that way? Ever since people developed finding pools of more than one, it has been this way. Wouldn't it be easier and more effective if it was no big thing to know how much interest someone had in you from the beginning? That it was no big deal to be perfectly honest with another person about your feelings for them? People wouldn't be getting their hopes up just to be dashed later on, they would know right away.

Instead, we all play this game, whether intentionally or not. He complimented me this way. She touched me here. He helped me do this. She sat next to me at the party. He didn't make eye contact. She sounded bored. It just goes on and on.

It has to be for some reason though. Every single person has to deal with it to some extent or another. It's not like it is some unique phenomenon to one person. So obviously, it must be important to the human experience... somehow... It's "opposition in all things" in action. Help people appreciate something truly good when it finally works out. Well, if that's the case, then I know some people that are going to be seriously appreciative at some point. Because I've been picking up this theme a lot recently, from quite a few different sources.

Actually, based on the timing of things falling apart for me, again, I know exactly what is going on, for me at least. It's a test. A test that I've been given time and time again. One that I haven't exactly passed with flying colors. It's either: a girl comes into my life and motivates me to get things straight, or I've decided to get things straight and then a girl comes along. Either way, they are taken away to see how I react. Will he keep doing the things he needs to for the right reasons in the absence of the girl? And unfortunately, I don't have a great track record to this point. But then, if I did, maybe I wouldn't be given the test as often, if at all. So now I am more cognizant of this particular test, I should be expecting the girls to start lining up soon, right? But I'll still have to deal with the game though. I certainly can't expect that to change all of a sudden.

Oh yeah, I've missed a couple of days of gratitude posts. Trying to catch up feels intimidating at this point though, so I'm not going to try to do so today. I'll just do one for today.

I'm grateful for second chances. And third chances. And fourth chances. And Umpteenth chances. Everyone deserves another chance. I'm grateful for all the chances I've been given. Life would be too depressing otherwise. I'd never have hope for something good. Everyone deserves something good, right?

And Like That...

The current girl situation has cleared itself out. Strictly speaking, age alone has not been a deciding factor, but the two girls on opposite ends of the age spectrum (relatively speaking) are no longer on my radar. The younger one was my choice. I just feel like I want someone who has traveled a bit more down the pathways of life.

The older one was her choice. We've gone out a few times, and had fun. I felt it was easy to talk to her, and she felt the same. But I guess she wasn't feelin' much interest. I'm disappointed, I felt like I could be more myself with her.

The situation taught me some things though. I've been able to focus my search criteria a little more in some areas, and broaden it in others. Age differences aren't as big a deal for me anymore. But having similar experiences carries a little more weight. Also, timing is another thing. I was attracted to B (The older one) early on this summer, and I thought she was as well. But I let all that time pass. I don't know if things would have been any different, but there is something to be said about striking while the iron is hot. I think I learned to be a little more direct about things. Once I started being more direct, I got clearer responses.

Now the trick is to move forward and not stand still or move backwards. Someone good is out there somewhere, but she'll only be found going forward.

High School

So the girl situation was feeling a bit like high school. Now it turns out that S actually just graduated from high school in the spring. When she started coming to the ward, I thought she had just moved in. I also thought she was at least 25. She doesn't act like an 18 year old, and she looks more mature than her years. But she is in fact 18. That's just two years older than my kid brother. Now I feel...I don't know what I feel actually. I think she is still cool, but it's different.

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indy says, "It's not the years, it's the mileage." I am not as concerned about ages, but I am concerned about experiences. I mean, I know folks that got married despite a 10 year age difference. But, I think it is important that people have an appreciation for each other's experiences.

Something for me to chew on for a bit.

The Prospect of Juggling

I'm glad that I haven't linked my facebook profile to this blog. There are more and more people in my ward that are adding me as a friend, and I don't need them reading everything that I post here. I don't want things to come back and bite me.

So I'm kind of pursuing this woman, (it is weird to say I am pursuing a woman, but 'girl' doesn't seem quite right either) and I think there is still potential there. But now I have been told that I should ask out a couple of girls in the ward the last two days. The first of these would be more of a friendly date I think, she's a nice girl, I'd just never thought about asking her out on my own. The second is one that I've been a little intrigued by recently.

I'm kind of a 'one-track-mind' guy. I've only been interested in one girl at any one time. Well, back in high school I was probably interested in multiple girls at the same time, but I was too shy or insecure to do anything with any of them, so I don't count that. There was Bethany my freshman year at BYU. I had a crush on her that whole year, during my mission, and into my first year back. There was Lisa my junior year, we did a bunch of stuff together, but it didn't pan out. Then there was Cynthia, and after her Linda. More recently, Lisa (different one), Kristana, Marcilyn, Heather, Alison, and Cynthia redux. Thinking about it, there was some over lapping of interests, but really only one focus at a time.

Now it is different. I can think of these two girls one right after the other, and be almost equally intrigued. And that is bothersome to me. It's not like I'm going steady with either of them, they aren't expecting me to be exclusive at this point, I've only had a couple of dates so far with the one, and am only slightly flirtatious with the other. But I feel to be any more than that would break some personally moral barrier. If one of them really starts to pan out, then I will need to be exclusive. And I wouldn't know how to break it off with the other.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was only me, but I think that both of them are at least somewhat interested in me as well. Do I just stop flirting with the one, and focus on the one I'm farther along with? or do I bring them both to the same level, and see which one wants to take it to the next step? Either way has its cons. I don't want to burn any bridges, but neither do I want to be a so-called player. I think both deserve my full attention, but only one can get it. Never thought I'd be in this situation.

High Anxiety

I nearly had an anxiety attack yesterday. And I had my date. My bout of anxiety had to do with BYU's narrow victory over U-Dub 28-27. The officiators' strict adherence to the rule book after Jake Locker scored the final touchdown and threw the ball up in the air pushed the PAT back 15 yards. Who knows if this would have happened at the normal position, but the kick was low and Jan Jorgensen got far enough through the line to get his hand on the ball to preserve the lead and the victory. Man, oh man was that close! Though it shouldn't have been. Again, BYU's own mistakes almost proved to be their undoing. Collie dropped a bunch of passes that he should have caught, Unga fumbled into the endzone at the end of a 97 yard drive, and Hall was intercepted on an underthrown pass. But they still won. On the road, against a PAC-10 team. That's nothing to sneeze at!

My date went well. We had a regional Stake conference broadcast today, so last night we had the adult session with our stake presidency. That meant the date started later than is customary. So I made dinner and brought it over to her place. I made Lasagna and ceasar salad. After that, we watched The Italian Job, the original with Michael Caine, not the new one with Mark Wahlberg. After the movie we had homemade ricotta gelato (italian ice cream) with blackberry sauce. All of the food turned out very good. We were undecided on the movie, I think we both liked the remake better.

We talked before, during, and after the meal and movie. It was interesting how much we have in common, it was almost cliche, although I didn't play it like the cliche: "You like that? Omigosh! ME TOO!" It was nice though. Like I said before, we have an understanding and appreciation for our different life paths we've taken. It was just really comfortable, like I could be more myself. I think there is certainly potential there. A second date is on the horizon for sure.

What Am I So Anxious About?

Or is this just the effects of food poisoning?

I'm feeling something, whatever it is.

It's against my recent policy, not that I've been good at following it in the past, but I feel like I've got to say something to release the tension inside me. There's a girl. Before you jump to conclusions, I haven't even asked her out yet. But I am picking up some positive vibes from her, and have all summer long. And I want to reciprocate.

Why has it taken so long, why have I put off all summer what I felt to do back in May? No good reason, especially considering my recent post about wasting time. I was still getting over the departure of my ex-girlfriend in May, and my car was out of comission until last month. I didn't have a lot of contact with this girl in august, so I imagined that her interest had probably waned. I shouldn't have worried. After the party over at her place last night, I have no doubt she is still very much interested.

She's a few years older than me, and in the past I would've never even considered someone that much older. But I find that, in her case anyway, her years help her appreciate my life path, rather than look down on it. She's been a teacher going on five years now, but it seems she has had just as meandering a path as I have followed. She's intelligent, funny, caring, and respectful of others. She's also pretty patient, the fact that she hasn't given up on me, despite my inaction, tells me that.

But I am nervous. I am almost certain she'll agree to go out with me once I ask. But it has been awhile since I asked anyone out. And if the vibes I am detecting are true, it could get serious quickly. I'm just afraid that I am getting ahead of myself again. I tend to do that, and then I go into freefall when things don't work out.

Intimidation

I was once asked if I was intimidated by girls that are accomplished, meaning someone that graduated from college, has a real job, and may have their own house. I can't remember exactly what I said at the time, but here is what I think now. I don't feel so much intimidated, as inadequate. I mean, right now, I am 28, live at home, am still in school, and haven't had a job since December. I am actually quite interested in 'accomplished' women. I just don't feel like I have much to offer someone at the moment besides my winning personality and dimpled smile. And now I have some anecdotal proof for my thinking. Last Sunday I was in the clerks office, after the block of meetings, when the second counselor's wife started up a conversation with me. She has a strong matchmaker's spirit to her. She told me there was a girl in the ward that asked her about me. She wanted to know if I was still in school, and of course I told her that I was. Well, apparently my educational status immediately disqualified me from her search. This girl has graduated from school, and is only looking for guys that are in the same stage of life as she is. I told Sis. Matchmaker that I only had a year left, so if this girl was still around next August she could look me up.

I've been thinking about this for a week now, and I want to change my reply. I'd like Sis. Matchmaker to give Mystery Girl this message. If she is still around and single next August when I am scheduled to graduate, then she can go suck an egg for all I care. Apparently, she doesn't want to support someone through school. Last time I checked my criteria for what I was looking for in a spouse, neither breadwinner nor meal ticket made the list. I'm just hoping to find someone that will love me as much as I love them. What if Mystery Girl and I otherwise make a good match? Then this girl and I will be losing a year of getting to know each other. But if a piece of paper makes that big of a difference to someone, maybe we wouldn't make such a good match after all.

I'm sorry that it took me almost nine years to find something that I really liked to do. Maybe it would've been better to push through my old course of study and be miserable in my line of work, at least then I might've been able to get a date.

The Man Who Knew Too Little

If you have never seen the Bill Murray classic The Man Who Knew Too Little, you are really missing out. I don't think people put it up there with Groundhog Day or What About Bob?, but it is hilarious. I watch it if I am having a bad day, and it always picks me up. Anyway, it's about this bumbling guy that thinks he's in some kind of audience participation theater, but he is really caught up in the conspiracy to restart the Cold War. He thinks it's all just an act, so he goes along with it.

The other night I had a dream like that. Except it was the other way around. It was like Candid Camera, or The Truman Show but it was an adventure story. I thought it was all real, only to find out at the end that it was all an act. The kicker was that there were people that I thought were dead, that weren't really dead. In the dream I had a girlfriend that I thought was now dead, but she walked into the debriefing room and I was floored. In the course of the adventure I'd fallen for another woman, but she had really fallen for me too, so I was confused as to what to think. I'd only moved on because I thought the first woman was dead, except she wasn't dead. But I was happy in the current relationship, how would I reconcile that?

I woke up from the dream and thought, "nice try." It doesn't make me feel much better about my current situation, but it does make me think. What is the human capacity for love? How many can be included? On the one hand I don't believe in there being a, "one and only." But on the other, I believe in monogamous relationships. I think of another film, Dan, in Real Life, with Steve Carrell. Is it a betrayal to remarry after the death of a spouse? I think I would have an extremely hard time in that situation.

There is a certain seeming randomness to attraction. There are certain things that I think I find attractive, but no two women I've been interested in over the years have looked anything alike. Tall and short, blonde, brunette, and auburn, petite and full figured, my interests have run the table. But love is different than mere attraction. It is a decision. It is an action. A stake president once said that there were probably many women he could have been happy with, but he chose to be happy with his wife. And he'd chosen that everyday since they were married.

Dating is so mercenary. When you are dating you are looking for what is best for you, which is completely opposite of what marriage is supposed to be. When you are married, you are no longer number one, you are 1-B, at least to yourself. That should be fine, as you ideally become 1-A for your spouse. (Correct me if I've got that wrong married people, I'm working on my observations as an outside party. I'm sure adding children changes things even more, but that is for another blog.) But when dating you are tasked with making the tricky switch from looking out for yourself to looking out for another, and you just hope they make their own switch at the same time. But if they turn around before making that switch...

As stated below, I've let go of an old girlfriend. Well, sort of. I'm letting her go without a fight, not that I have any say or power to keep her from going. But I'm half hoping she comes back on her own, and am loathe to even think of moving on. That's not really letting go then, is it?

Hard Things

Last night I did something very hard. I hope it is worth it. I let go of someone that has meant a lot to me for quite awhile. I'd forgotten, somewhat, how I'd felt about her until we saw each other for the first time in a long time. We dated a few years ago, and when we broke up, it broke my heart. I always felt that our story was not finished at that time, but I stayed away. Until this month that is. Thanks to a bizarre dream on April Fool's, we have done a few things together. It felt very much like old times. But she is leaving at the end of the week, and I may never see her again. I had hoped that somehow we could get back together, that I could somehow talk her into coming back. I realized, however, that I had no place asking her any such thing, especially being unsure how she felt exactly. I felt that I had to let go of her. I had run away when we broke up, and never really faced the issue. I'm still crazy about her. And I told her so, but I also told her that I was letting go. I'll miss her, but I'm at peace about things. I hope I did the right thing, I think I did.

High Resolution

So I posted things I was looking forward to a few weeks ago, some were short term, some long. I have accomplished some of the things I was looking forward to, and now wanted to somewhat qualify the long term goals I had.

1. Go back to school: I went to Stevens-Henager last week to get more information about their Graphic Arts program, and ended up filling out all the preliminary paperwork for enrollment and financial aid. I have until the fifth day of class to back out with no obligation to pay anything, and then after that I will be up to my eyeballs in student debt. I was all gung-ho until we were almost done with all the forms when the weight of what I was taking on started to set in. But I still want to do it and think that it is worth it. My BYU education was paid for primarily by sources outside myself, and I don't think I appreciated that enough. Now that most of it will be paid by me, I have a larger ownership, or investment if you will, in my own education. I think this is good. And of all the things to go into debt for, one's education is the most acceptable. There will still be a lot that will not be covered by loans and grants, but I have a feeling that that won't be a problem, which brings me to...

2. Get active in church: Like I posted earlier, ever since I went away this summer I have let myself slip in spiritual things. I have some things to do yet to get back on track, but I have had the feeling lately that if I do, my education will be paid for, one way or another. I went to my brother's singles ward and requested my records be transferred there. I was having second thoughts in Sunday School however (some obnoxious people were getting on my nerves), but by the end of the block I was ok again.

3. Get in shape: I gained a lot of weight on my mission, and I never lost it all, and then during my time in New York I gained some more. I think for my height I should be about 180, but I think getting down to 200 is an achievable goal. I think if I can do that a lot of things will be better in my life.

4. Date more: I think working on the first three goals will help me out on this one. I am interested in a certain kind of girl, and the specifications aren't in height, weight, body style, or hair color, but in how she lives her life, and what kind of expectations she has. And I generally feel that, at the moment, I don't meet a large portion of those expectations. Which means either I change myself, or I change my own expectations. But a Groucho Marx quote comes to mind, "I will never join a club that will have me [as I am right now] as a member."

Living With Cliques

There seems to be a feud going on among the people I work with out here in NJ/NY. There is my friend Rob*, his wife Julie, his sister Heather, her boyfriend Tyler, Julie's friend Nikki, and me. Julie doesn't care for Tyler, so he and Heather do stuff on their own most of the time. Last week Nikki and I ended up going into the city with Heather and Tyler. We told Julie we were going, and that she could come. But I guess she didn't want to because of Tyler, and resented us going. Or rather she resented Nikki. Now she is ignoring Nikki for no real reason. I think I have mitigated any wrath Julie may have had toward me. I have tried not to go with one group more than the other. But I am having trouble keeping it up.

You see, I think Nikki has a thing for me, and I don't have it back. I would choose Rob and Julie, just to avoid her, but I share a room with Tyler, so that group is always over. I think that Nikki is starting to pick up that I am being a bit distant, I just hope she doesn't take it the wrong way. I have no problem being a friend, but that's all I care to be.

I thought I left this all behind a long time ago in public school. I am not yet counting down the days until I can go home like I did this summer, but it is getting close to that. At least the money is a lot better here than it was in Denver.

* - names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Potentially Unanswered Question

"Mr. Owl, How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?"
"One...Two...Three...Crunch!!! Three."

How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know.

So there is this really nice girl in my ward. I've known her since September or so. Ever since we were first introduced she has been quite friendly to me. More so than I would have given her credit for based on my initial impression. I've felt like asking her out for a long time, but for various reasons I have not. Mostly I have felt like she is out of my league, on a number of levels. She has always been very friendly, but recently she has seemed more than just friendly. There has been some playful banter, and a little of what I percieve to be flirting. I like the thought of that.

However, it has been observed that she is a genuinely nice person. I am not saying the being genuinely nice is bad, on the contrary I find it to be an asset. But it does make me wonder about what I have been percieving. Am I projecting false intent on her actions, or is it really there? If I was staying in Provo, I could really put this to the test, but I am not. I am leaving in less than a week and will be gone for four months. I have alot to do before I leave. I wonder about trying to put this to the test before I go, but what good will it do me? If I find that I am imagining things, no harm done. But if I find that I am not, there is nothing to be done about it. I can't start a relationship and then leave, and expect that feelings are the same when I return. Neither do I think it wise to change my plans at this point based on the chance that something serious COULD develop. I NEED the money that I can make this summer in Denver. I do not want to jeopardize the chance to go back to school without having to work at the same time. Especially if it weren't to work out. As it stands, I've not been in a relationship that lasted more than 2 months.

And I still think she is out of my league. Not that she is 'high maintenance' in her attitude, but I think she is accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Also, I feel she has it together spiritually, more so than I do at the moment. Not that she is condecending, like I said she is genuinely friendly. But I feel inadequate. Yet I also hate the idea that she may be interested, but because I don't do anything about it now, her interest will wane. Frustration.

Craziness

Oi Vey! What am I getting myself into? I'm going on a date with a girl I've only met online, but we're going up to SLC to see the lights with her YSA ward. So it's like a blind date with 20+ people. And I won't have a car for my own use. Here's to hoping we totally click! It'll totallly suck if things are awkward for very long. But's not like I had plans for Saturday evening. And she is cute. This is a bigger risk than the trip to Las Vegas!