Random Occurrence, or Something More?

So I was wasting time today, playing a game on Facebook, when I ended up in a game with someone with a unique (to me anyways) name, the name of someone I knew once. Now I have played this game with many randomly selected players from all over the place, some with names of friends. Yet I never once assumed that they were anyone I actually knew. But because of the uniqueness of the name, I thought I'd try to see if it was the person I knew. This person is Latino and their name really isn't uncommon among Latinos, but it is to me. Well, it turned out to be the person I knew. I had been friends with him at the time that he joined the church. I had heard through mutual friends that he had left the church later on, so I didn't want to bring it up. But when I brought up our mutual friend they said they had to go. Was this a chance encounter, or was it an opening for something more meaningful?

Choices

Hello intrepid readers! So it's been awhile since last I posted. I've been hard at work getting ready for a wedding that is about 6 weeks off still. In the same time I've enrolled at UVU and done some job interviews. My first feeling has been that if I got a job offer before the last day to drop classes, I would accept the offer. But I've talked to the director of the Graphic Design program at UVU and he has reviewed my portfolio. He saw some interesting things but felt I still needed a lot of work. This was a bit of a bitter pill to swallow. I worked hard at Stevens-Henager, and did really well there. But I realized that while I learned a lot at S-H, what I didn't get was in-person hands-on advice and critique of my work. I learned quick turn-around times and short deadlines, and the use of the computer programs to do the work. What I didn't get was the time to hone my craft as a designer. I'm still waiting to hear back on an exciting job I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago, but I'm also excited about the classes I'm in this semester. So I may have a bit of a choice on my hands. If they do offer the job, do I take it, or do I stay in school?

Me working full-time in a graphic design job has a lot of benefits. Bringing in money and possibly benefits will take a lot of financial pressure of us as Am and I get married. It will also be good to have real-world experience to add to my resume. Being in school means that I'll only be able to work part-time. And I'll still be super busy with only very little money coming in, for three years, but it'll seriously benefit my craft as a designer. Choices, choices...

Things I Missed

Today marks the 40th Anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. So to commemorate the event, Am's family got together to recount their memories of that time, as well as other memories of the space program. This is significant because Am's grandfather is Don Lind, the first LDS astronaut. Here is an article from the Salt Lake Tribune about him. He has many amazing stories and experiences about his time in NASA. He was scheduled to go to the moon on one of the later Apollo missions that got cancelled, but later flew on the space shuttle Challenger on it's second to last mission.

While listening to his stories, and the rest of the family's, I realized what I had missed for the first time. My paternal grandfather died when my dad was ten, and my maternal grandfather died months after I was born. I never knew them. And I never fully appreciated not having them around either. The wealth of experience, insight, and love is incalculable for the younger generation.

We will be greatly blessed to have Grandpa Lind perform our sealing in October. I am looking forward to getting a grandfather for awhile, and hopefully a long while. But I wish I could have known my own grandfathers, the men who helped shape my parents. I never knew them, but I love them and miss them anyway.

I'm Ashamed of Myself

I want to apologize to all of my married friends that read this blog and those that don't as well. I didn't take attending your weddings and receptions very seriously. I went to many of them, but I missed a lot, too. I always disliked attending wedding receptions. I would think, "Why should I go to a party where I only know a few, or less, of the people, and only get to spend a minute with them? What could my brief appearance mean to them with so many others around?" I never thought that it could mean very much. I was wrong, dead wrong.

Our date is set for October 10th, a day that works with our respective schedules, but comes at an awkward time for people that don't live close by. Most of Am's family lives nearby, as do her friends. But mine are spread out, from sea to shining sea. Who can come mid-semester, or who can get off work for a few days, and afford the trip? I can totally understand if you can't come. But some of you will be coming and that means the world to me. More than I thought it would mean. And for those who can't come, Am and I will want to see you if and when you come into town for holidays or other events. I go on and on about my friends, but she needs faces to go with names. So please let us know when you'll be in town!

Getting Specific

It snowed here in Utah on April 15th. Let me say it again, it is halfway to May, and it snowed. I and a lot of other people want to know why! But I have a guess, and I'll share it with you.

My brother jokingly asked if I had ordered all the snow. I told him that yes, I had placed a requisition order, but the thing was, I only specified moisture. And I forgot to put a delivery date on the form as well. The shipping guys at Mother Nature, Inc. get that vague order a lot. I think they know what kind of 'moisture' to send at given times of the year, but they do like to have a good time at our expense. I think we all need to get a little more specific with our moisture orders. In the winter, place orders for snow, and the rest of the year order rain. Heaven knows we need the dampness in this dry place.

Percolation

I've been having some thoughts bubbling up recently, and I thought I'd put them out there.  It kind of started when I commented on Tim's blog entry about modern political tea parties.  The bulk of my response wasn't so much about the tea parties, but about the recent HBO miniseries John Adams adapted from the biography written by David McCullough.  

I really liked parts of it, and hated other parts when I watched it.  Here is this great man, that had so much to do with gaining our independence from Britain in getting the continental congress to join together to sign off on the Declaration.  And then he is sent to be an ambassador to France where his talents and abilities are absolutely wasted.  He was ill treated by Benjamin Franklin in France, the same man who had guided him to success back in Philadelphia.  That made me sick.  Then he is sent to Great Britain after the war to be ambassador there, and he starts getting all these imperial notions. When he finally gets back to America, his children are grown and he hardly knows them at all. He wasn't around for the composition of the Constitution either.  He struggled as Vice President under Washington, trying to be useful, yet stay out of the political machinations between Jefferson and Hamilton.

The strife between Jefferson and Adams grew when Adams was elected President.  Looking at it, it never made sense how the second place candidate became Vice President.  Jefferson and Adams were friends, yet they had very different political views, and Jefferson totally undermined Adams.  He had these very negative pamphlets published about Adams.  It was disgusting.  And then there were Adams later years as his family kind of fell apart.  So sad.  But then he bit the bullet and made the first gesture to reconcile with Jefferson.  They corresponded back and forth for their last few years.  On the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, both men died within hours of each other.

There is a scene near the end of the series where Adams and his son John Quincy view the famous painting by John Trumbull of the signing.  He criticized the painting for being inaccurate.  The Continental Congress was not so neatly organized or seemingly serene.  It was filled with regular men, with regular passions and short comings.  And looking back, I know why I hated the series in parts.  It didn't jive with the common perception I had of the Founding Fathers.  In my mind, they had been nearly deified.  But they were, in fact, just men.

This is what triggered the thoughts I've had recently.  The Founding Fathers were not gods, they were imperfect, regular men.  But they lived during extraordinary times, and were called upon to do extraordinary things.  And they did them.  They accomplished great things.  So often we tell ourselves that we could never achieve great things.  We don't count ourselves worthy or able to do these things.  But that is because we think of our heroes as being otherworldly.  We see in ourselves our own weaknesses, but those who accomplish great things we think of as being nearly perfect.  But they are not perfect.  On the flip side, when we find out that our heroes made terrible mistakes, we discount the great things they did do.  It is important for us to come to terms with this dichotomy within everyone, but especially ourselves.  Not to minimize our own accountability, but to realize that even though we are not perfect, that is no reason to despair and count ourselves out.

The Resurrection

This post was begun before the strike of Christmas Eve, I swear!

Yesterday, I spent the day participating in the funeral services of my mother's business partner.  I know that he had health problems that severely limited his way of life and capacity for certain kinds of work near the end of his life.  Which it sounds like was really hard for him, since he was such a hard worker.

The services were good.  His best friend growing up spoke, as did a friend that he mentored for several years.   A recurring theme of the services and in conversations throughout the day was about the work he would be able to accomplish on the other side.  And then the work he would be able to do upon the resurrection.  No more physical limitations, infinite capacity for activity.  No more health problems.

I am grateful for my relative health, but I know that eventually something will start to go wrong.  How reassuring it is to know that a time will come for perfection.  That illness and ailment will fall away.

Tabling Things For Awhile

Why is it easier to talk about things, i.e. feelings for another person, after the potential for a relationship with that person is cut off? I do know why, because there is no more risk involved, there is no more pressure. But why does it have to be that way? Ever since people developed finding pools of more than one, it has been this way. Wouldn't it be easier and more effective if it was no big thing to know how much interest someone had in you from the beginning? That it was no big deal to be perfectly honest with another person about your feelings for them? People wouldn't be getting their hopes up just to be dashed later on, they would know right away.

Instead, we all play this game, whether intentionally or not. He complimented me this way. She touched me here. He helped me do this. She sat next to me at the party. He didn't make eye contact. She sounded bored. It just goes on and on.

It has to be for some reason though. Every single person has to deal with it to some extent or another. It's not like it is some unique phenomenon to one person. So obviously, it must be important to the human experience... somehow... It's "opposition in all things" in action. Help people appreciate something truly good when it finally works out. Well, if that's the case, then I know some people that are going to be seriously appreciative at some point. Because I've been picking up this theme a lot recently, from quite a few different sources.

Actually, based on the timing of things falling apart for me, again, I know exactly what is going on, for me at least. It's a test. A test that I've been given time and time again. One that I haven't exactly passed with flying colors. It's either: a girl comes into my life and motivates me to get things straight, or I've decided to get things straight and then a girl comes along. Either way, they are taken away to see how I react. Will he keep doing the things he needs to for the right reasons in the absence of the girl? And unfortunately, I don't have a great track record to this point. But then, if I did, maybe I wouldn't be given the test as often, if at all. So now I am more cognizant of this particular test, I should be expecting the girls to start lining up soon, right? But I'll still have to deal with the game though. I certainly can't expect that to change all of a sudden.

Oh yeah, I've missed a couple of days of gratitude posts. Trying to catch up feels intimidating at this point though, so I'm not going to try to do so today. I'll just do one for today.

I'm grateful for second chances. And third chances. And fourth chances. And Umpteenth chances. Everyone deserves another chance. I'm grateful for all the chances I've been given. Life would be too depressing otherwise. I'd never have hope for something good. Everyone deserves something good, right?

A Little Rant and BG4

A friend shared this link on Facebook today. It's a debate between an atheist and a Christian pastor, moderated by a journalist for Newsweek.

I'm not particularly a fan of debates like these. It is like Alma and Korihor - he said, he said. Nothing the one says is going to convince the other on the points that they differ on.

Mr. Harris is quite poisonous IMO. He insists that morality and altruism can be achieved without faith. Mr. Warren attributes that need that most people have for doing good to be from God. Mr. Harris cannot deny that people feel that need for purpose, because to do so would alienate his audience. But he can get them to deny the existence of God. And that's really all the Adversary needs to get his foot in the door. He doesn't need to dismantle people in one blow, he can do it a little at a time.

I just think it is funny that atheists deny the existence of God for scientific reasons, i.e. there is no proof that he exists. Einstein could not countenance the possibility of particles smaller than the atom, and yet when technology advanced, there is no denying that there are in fact protons, electrons, and neutrons. And a few years later, they discovered that there are parts smaller still, quarks and muons and such. Einstein's theories have been left behind because they cannot account for quantum mechanics. But to tell him all that we now know and say, take my word for it, he'd never believe, or at least have a hard time believing it. But you would know that you were right. Science has a way of cannibalizing itself as new discoveries are made, out with the old, in with the new. Just because we cannot see atoms and electrons and muons, does not mean they are not there. Just because we choose not to see evidence in God, does not mean he is not there. What the scientific community knows, or thinks it knows, today will not be what it knows in a year, let alone a decade or a century.

I also think it is silly for people of religion to dismiss science. Just because Hawkings' A Brief History of Time was not written by Moses or Paul and included in the Bible does not make it a lie. To say that God took 65 million years or longer to create the earth instead of snapping his fingers or wiggling his nose like a pop culture wizard, does not take away any of the awe and wonder we should have in the Creation.

And I was wondering what I was going to be grateful for today! I am grateful for my faith. I am grateful that it is not exclusionary. I am glad that rationality has a place in my belief system. But also that all the competing theories and breakthroughs and changes in scientific understanding will not whip me about like a boat on a stormy sea. All the theories and mysteries of the universe are secondary. They are fun to think about, but are not necessary for me to comprehend even a fraction, as long as I have faith in God and the Atonement of His Son.

BG3

I'm grateful for you, dear readers. Most, if not all, of you are very dear friends to me. Most of you I have known for over a decade, and a couple for much longer than that. We've got a lot of really good memories, both trivial and poignant. At least one of you has appreciated me not being judgmental, and I appreciate that in all of you towards me. I said how grateful I am for my family before. I don't know my extended family real well, not like some of you know yours. I wish I knew them better. But all of you I consider to be my extended family; you are more than just friends.

Being Grateful II

I'm thankful for the ward I attend. Tim has posted about what makes a good ward on his blog, and I made comments on what I thought. I felt like the wards that I attended in Provo got progressively better. Maybe it was my understanding of how wards worked that grew, maybe I just matured, or maybe they actually were better. Anyway, when I moved to this area last year, I was not thrilled to be starting at yet another singles ward. I was coming off a rough patch after my time in Denver and New York, and it took me a while to warm up to the ward in Lehi. The ward was big and I felt kind of lost in the crowd. Also, my first impression of that bishop was way off base, but I didn't find that out for three months though. Just when I found out my bishop was a good man that I could trust, the ward was dissolved. Arrgghh! Another new ward, and another new bishop to feel out. It hasn't turned out so bad. Despite not being in a ward with my best friends anymore, this ward rivals the last couple of Provo wards. There is nobody in the ward that I dislike, and many that I like a lot. And the bishop is great. I feel that he was drawn to this place by the Lord to be called as the bishop of this ward at this time. He is a spiritual giant, and a soft-hearted, sensitive, sometimes silly man. I've made many good friends here, people that, under different circumstances, I'd never think to be friends with.

Being Grateful in the Face of Adversity

So, on top of my mother's divorce proceedings, we found out today that her business partner passed away on Saturday. This is a mighty blow as he was the money handler and technical wizard behind their web business. He had been in poor health for some time, but they had never made a contingency plan if one of them died or otherwise could not continue. She had no access to the company accounts, nor any clue on how to take care of the technical end of things. No one can take his place, only he knew how everything on their site fit and worked together.

It seems like the hits keep coming lately, now the new ones come before the old ones are over.

Which brings me to the subject of this post. How can we stay grateful in the face of adversity? How did our pioneer forebears handle the excruciating sacrifice of traveling to the Salt Lake Valley? Dealing with the loss of loved ones, how were the early saints able to press forward? Why didn't they just curl up and die, or turn around and head back home?

Sometimes, it is easy to be grateful, it doesn't really take any effort. But other times, we need to be willfully grateful. We need to look explicitly for things to be grateful for. What I want to do is post everyday until Christmas. Each post will include one thing I am grateful for. I'm hoping that by the time Christmas comes, the gratitude I show then will be easier to express than it is at the moment.

I'll make this one easy:

I am grateful for my family that loves me, and who I love as well. No matter what comes against us, we have one another. Right now, my mom is taking the brunt of these challenges, so I try to support her. in the past and in the future, it'll be me who takes the brunt, and I'll require her or my brother for support.

Good Sometimes

A comment on the previous post made me think about a conversation I was a part of the other day. My mom and I were talking with our neighbor about parenting (I was mostly listening). And my mom mentioned how sometimes when she would get mad at me and my brother, she would yell, and sometimes scream. And then she would feel terrible, like she was a failure, that she wasn't a good mother. One day when I was very young, she was feeling particularly bad about her perceived failures when she walked in on me watching Mister Roger's Neighborhood. I was singing a version of a song I heard on the show. I have included in it's entirety at the end of this post. I sang:

Sometimes kitties are good
And they do just what they should.
But the very same kitties who are good sometimes
Are the very same kitties who are bad sometimes.

Sometimes mommies are good
And they do just what they should.
But the very same mommies who are good sometimes
Are the very same mommies who are bad sometimes.

A lot of times, we think in terms of black and white. Things are either good, or they are bad. When we do good things we feel we are on top of the world. But when we make bad decisions, we forget or discount the good things that we have done, and we just focus on the bad things. We can bring ourselves down pretty low, even to the point of feeling worthless. I think it is hard for us to reconcile the fact that good people can make bad decisions, especially within ourselves. Even Nephi of old dealt with this issue. "Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul greiveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me." (2 Ne 4:17-18) See the rest of 2 Nephi 4 because it has a lot to do with the rest of the post.

I think it is important to remember we have dual natures. The classic cartoon representation of this is a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. We need to realize that we are good, we just make mistakes. We need to realize that the good advice we give each other is the same advice we need to follow in our own lives. When people compliment me, one of the first things I do is think, "If only you knew about X, if only people knew." I know I am a good person, but reconciling that with my bad choices is hard to do. I'm not saying that we need to accept the bad, live with the bad, wallow in the bad. What I think we need to accept is that we are good. Live with the good. Wallow in the good. We have a great aid in doing this. We celebrate his birth in about 3 weeks. We need to trust in Him. I don't say this because I am particularly good at it, because I'm not. But It's what I would tell anyone else, so why shouldn't I follow it?

So I want to ask what you think. What do you do to reconcile the differences within yourselves? And if you have a hard time doing that, what advice would you give me? And then I would challenge you to turn around and follow that advice.

Again, here are the lyrics to the song I sang a real long time ago. It helped my mom remember that she was not a bad mother. Hopefully, it will remind you that you aren't bad either.

Sometimes People Are Good

Sometimes people are good
And they do just what they should.
But the very same people who are good sometimes
Are the very same people who are bad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people get wet.
And their parents get upset.
But the very same people who get wet sometimes
Are the very same people who are dry sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people make noise
And they break each other's toys.
But the very same people who are noisy sometimes
Are the very same people who are quiet sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people get mad
And they feel like being bad.
But the very same people who are mad sometimes
Are the very same people who are glad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me and...

Sometimes people are good
And they do just what they should.
But the very same people who are good sometimes
Are the very same people who are bad sometimes.
It's funny, but it's true.
It's the same, isn't it for me...
Isn't it the same for you?

© 1967 Fred M. Rogers

Mistakes

My mother is getting divorced again. And that makes me sad. Not because I like her husband, but because I dislike him. It's sad that this man duped my mother. She's a sucker for a sales pitch, and I hope that if she ever gets married again, that I can spend some serious time around him before the wedding day. I met her present husband on the way to the courthouse. I didn't know what to think, except I could see that my mother was happy, so I was happy for her. But there have been things, red flags that have come up over the last 4 years. He was a weird guy. Not that my family isn't weird in our own way, but his sense of humor was on the opposite wavelength. When we would be silly, he was serious, and vice versa. Then there were the money scams. You know: "Hello, I am in need to move money to America, and am need to use agent for bank purposes." The first time I heard that he was working with someone overseas to move money into the country, I knew it was a scam. But, he was over 50, and I was still in college, so I merely asked if it was legit, and he said that he had checked it out. A short time later MY bank account had to be closed because of fraud related to HIS account. See, my mother had her name on one of his accounts, as well as on mine, so it daisy chained down to my account. Luckily, I only had $5 to my name at the time. Funny thing is, that was neither the first time nor the last time he had gotten involved in such a thing. Then there was the string of 4 or 5 jobs he went through in a year. When I went to Denver two summers ago, I needed a place to put my things. Well, mostly my furniture, which I had only been borrowing from my mother. WHen she mentioned to him that I was bringing it back up to the house, he threw a fit. When I had to work on my car this summer, I was worried about how much it was going to cost to have it repaired. He made some comment about putting the car into a trust. A trust in MY name, but under HIS control. The car would essentially be his, and I could borrow it, but he would, over time, pay for the repairs. He's maxed out a couple of credit cards, and has hardly helped financially with the house. All of this, and my mother finally decided to start the ball rolling on getting divorced.

Even with all of these things, I never felt it was my place to be say anything negative about him to my mother. It was her marriage, if she wanted to make it work, I wouldn't stop her.

Now that she is planning on seeing a lawyer, some new information has come to the surface. She found correspondence between him and several "clients". It seems that these clients are young women that are not too different in age than me, maybe a little older. And no mention is made of my mother being his wife. And how each is the only one that he thinks about. In fact, there is a woman coming from the Ukraine that he wants someone in the ward to host while she looks for a job. She is not LDS, but he entertains thoughts of converting her. He asked a lady in their ward if she would take her up to Temple Square, but not mention any of his marital problems to this foreigner.

My mom also found some other disturbing and inappropriate materials while searching for bank and credit records.

I went out with my bishop the other night to see some people in the ward. He asked how my mom and her husband were doing, he would go to their ward if he weren't the singles ward bishop. I told him that things were bad, and that she was working on getting a divorce. He said that he always thought that they seemed fine at church and other activities. And I thought to myself, "SEEMED is the operative term here." He seems fine, he seems like he doesn't have financial, emotional, and marital problems. He seems like he has it all together, and that he is just going through a rough patch. But underneath it all, he's just been using my mother and her home. Maybe, he really has a problem, a mental problem that can explain his behavior. And if he does, then that will be taken into account in the next life. But here in this one, he needs to move on and move out.

Thinking about it, it was almost four years ago when my mom met him online. She'd been dating a lot of guys that whole year when He came along. He invited her out to visit him in Ohio. It was Christmas break, and she asked me if she should go. I told her to go. I felt that the worst thing that could happen was that she would go and it wouldn't work out. Ohio was where she grew up, she still knew people out there, and my cousin and his family lived nearby in Indiana. She could have all of these good times out there. I also thought she would drive me nuts talking about him if she stayed. I never thought that they would be married less than two months later, or that he would turn out to be as big a scum bag as he has. But I don't feel guilty for advising my mom to go out there, how were we to know how it would play out. It's just feels ironic, and a little bit sad.

And Like That...

The current girl situation has cleared itself out. Strictly speaking, age alone has not been a deciding factor, but the two girls on opposite ends of the age spectrum (relatively speaking) are no longer on my radar. The younger one was my choice. I just feel like I want someone who has traveled a bit more down the pathways of life.

The older one was her choice. We've gone out a few times, and had fun. I felt it was easy to talk to her, and she felt the same. But I guess she wasn't feelin' much interest. I'm disappointed, I felt like I could be more myself with her.

The situation taught me some things though. I've been able to focus my search criteria a little more in some areas, and broaden it in others. Age differences aren't as big a deal for me anymore. But having similar experiences carries a little more weight. Also, timing is another thing. I was attracted to B (The older one) early on this summer, and I thought she was as well. But I let all that time pass. I don't know if things would have been any different, but there is something to be said about striking while the iron is hot. I think I learned to be a little more direct about things. Once I started being more direct, I got clearer responses.

Now the trick is to move forward and not stand still or move backwards. Someone good is out there somewhere, but she'll only be found going forward.

High School

So the girl situation was feeling a bit like high school. Now it turns out that S actually just graduated from high school in the spring. When she started coming to the ward, I thought she had just moved in. I also thought she was at least 25. She doesn't act like an 18 year old, and she looks more mature than her years. But she is in fact 18. That's just two years older than my kid brother. Now I feel...I don't know what I feel actually. I think she is still cool, but it's different.

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indy says, "It's not the years, it's the mileage." I am not as concerned about ages, but I am concerned about experiences. I mean, I know folks that got married despite a 10 year age difference. But, I think it is important that people have an appreciation for each other's experiences.

Something for me to chew on for a bit.

The Prospect of Juggling

I'm glad that I haven't linked my facebook profile to this blog. There are more and more people in my ward that are adding me as a friend, and I don't need them reading everything that I post here. I don't want things to come back and bite me.

So I'm kind of pursuing this woman, (it is weird to say I am pursuing a woman, but 'girl' doesn't seem quite right either) and I think there is still potential there. But now I have been told that I should ask out a couple of girls in the ward the last two days. The first of these would be more of a friendly date I think, she's a nice girl, I'd just never thought about asking her out on my own. The second is one that I've been a little intrigued by recently.

I'm kind of a 'one-track-mind' guy. I've only been interested in one girl at any one time. Well, back in high school I was probably interested in multiple girls at the same time, but I was too shy or insecure to do anything with any of them, so I don't count that. There was Bethany my freshman year at BYU. I had a crush on her that whole year, during my mission, and into my first year back. There was Lisa my junior year, we did a bunch of stuff together, but it didn't pan out. Then there was Cynthia, and after her Linda. More recently, Lisa (different one), Kristana, Marcilyn, Heather, Alison, and Cynthia redux. Thinking about it, there was some over lapping of interests, but really only one focus at a time.

Now it is different. I can think of these two girls one right after the other, and be almost equally intrigued. And that is bothersome to me. It's not like I'm going steady with either of them, they aren't expecting me to be exclusive at this point, I've only had a couple of dates so far with the one, and am only slightly flirtatious with the other. But I feel to be any more than that would break some personally moral barrier. If one of them really starts to pan out, then I will need to be exclusive. And I wouldn't know how to break it off with the other.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was only me, but I think that both of them are at least somewhat interested in me as well. Do I just stop flirting with the one, and focus on the one I'm farther along with? or do I bring them both to the same level, and see which one wants to take it to the next step? Either way has its cons. I don't want to burn any bridges, but neither do I want to be a so-called player. I think both deserve my full attention, but only one can get it. Never thought I'd be in this situation.

What Am I So Anxious About?

Or is this just the effects of food poisoning?

I'm feeling something, whatever it is.

It's against my recent policy, not that I've been good at following it in the past, but I feel like I've got to say something to release the tension inside me. There's a girl. Before you jump to conclusions, I haven't even asked her out yet. But I am picking up some positive vibes from her, and have all summer long. And I want to reciprocate.

Why has it taken so long, why have I put off all summer what I felt to do back in May? No good reason, especially considering my recent post about wasting time. I was still getting over the departure of my ex-girlfriend in May, and my car was out of comission until last month. I didn't have a lot of contact with this girl in august, so I imagined that her interest had probably waned. I shouldn't have worried. After the party over at her place last night, I have no doubt she is still very much interested.

She's a few years older than me, and in the past I would've never even considered someone that much older. But I find that, in her case anyway, her years help her appreciate my life path, rather than look down on it. She's been a teacher going on five years now, but it seems she has had just as meandering a path as I have followed. She's intelligent, funny, caring, and respectful of others. She's also pretty patient, the fact that she hasn't given up on me, despite my inaction, tells me that.

But I am nervous. I am almost certain she'll agree to go out with me once I ask. But it has been awhile since I asked anyone out. And if the vibes I am detecting are true, it could get serious quickly. I'm just afraid that I am getting ahead of myself again. I tend to do that, and then I go into freefall when things don't work out.

Intimidation

I was once asked if I was intimidated by girls that are accomplished, meaning someone that graduated from college, has a real job, and may have their own house. I can't remember exactly what I said at the time, but here is what I think now. I don't feel so much intimidated, as inadequate. I mean, right now, I am 28, live at home, am still in school, and haven't had a job since December. I am actually quite interested in 'accomplished' women. I just don't feel like I have much to offer someone at the moment besides my winning personality and dimpled smile. And now I have some anecdotal proof for my thinking. Last Sunday I was in the clerks office, after the block of meetings, when the second counselor's wife started up a conversation with me. She has a strong matchmaker's spirit to her. She told me there was a girl in the ward that asked her about me. She wanted to know if I was still in school, and of course I told her that I was. Well, apparently my educational status immediately disqualified me from her search. This girl has graduated from school, and is only looking for guys that are in the same stage of life as she is. I told Sis. Matchmaker that I only had a year left, so if this girl was still around next August she could look me up.

I've been thinking about this for a week now, and I want to change my reply. I'd like Sis. Matchmaker to give Mystery Girl this message. If she is still around and single next August when I am scheduled to graduate, then she can go suck an egg for all I care. Apparently, she doesn't want to support someone through school. Last time I checked my criteria for what I was looking for in a spouse, neither breadwinner nor meal ticket made the list. I'm just hoping to find someone that will love me as much as I love them. What if Mystery Girl and I otherwise make a good match? Then this girl and I will be losing a year of getting to know each other. But if a piece of paper makes that big of a difference to someone, maybe we wouldn't make such a good match after all.

I'm sorry that it took me almost nine years to find something that I really liked to do. Maybe it would've been better to push through my old course of study and be miserable in my line of work, at least then I might've been able to get a date.

A Long Time

Recently, my high school graduating class held its 10 year reunion. On the one hand, I cannot believe it has been 10 years since I roamed the halls of Lake Mary High. Living in Utah, it was never even a consideration to go back to Florida for the reunion. But I did see some pictures taken at the party of some old friends. Even if I did go, I think I would have been uncomfortable though. I got this really weird feeling seeing those pictures. Even though I value most of my time since high school, I felt like I didn't have much to show for my time. While I have finally found a field that I enjoy, and can actually see myself doing, it has taken most of these last 10 years to figure that out. I'm sure that my experience has been markedly different over that time from my former classmates. I came out to BYU, and went on a mission representing my church. I didn't drink, or smoke, or experiment with drugs. I'm not saying that I think they all did, but I'm sure that many did. I don't know how much we could have related to each other. One thing I noticed in the pictures was that nearly everyone at the reunion had some kind of drink, and none of it looked like fruit punch. I would have been even more of an observer than I was back then. I don't want to sound like I feel like I am better than them because of my faith. I probably could learn a lot about being a good person from many of my old classmates. People that, at first blush, seem so different from me. The thing is, one night in a Florida hotel with 10 years removed from common experience is not the ideal venue for that.

Maybe, if given a more personal setting with my old friends I would have been able to enjoy myself, but large group settings have never been my thing, whether alcohol is being served or not.