Seeing the Forest Despite the Trees

I like to think I am a spontaneous person, I certainly don't like to plan anything too far in advance. But that's probably just self-justification for a general lack of self control. It certainly sounds better. I like to think that my belief system allows me to see the bigger picture of life, and I guess in an academic sence it does. But for someone who is supposed to have such great perspective, I have a hard time getting past the here and now. A couple of examples; I play a game all the time, it literally consumes my days and has for months. It is moderately entertaining, just enough to keep me coming back day after day, but in the long run I know it means nothing. In fact, in the short run it means nothing. I know I shouldn't play, it keeps me from doing other things with my time, I think it is even affecting my eyesight. But if I were to stop playing, I'd start doing something else that would keep me distracted. It's been the pattern in my life for a long time. It'll be a game, or a book, TV shows, movies, the internet, etc. Some of it benign, some of it bad. The point is that I'll do the things that I absolutely have to do, and then my spare time I fill with something, anything, to keep me distracted. I get in a rut. For someone as self-proclaimed spontaneous as I am, I sure do feel comfortable in a routine. Now I have done some random things in my time, I've picked up and just left a couple of times, did something different for a few months, but I always come back. And even when I am 'gone' the words are the same, they're just played to slightly different music.

Now recently I got this crazy idea to go teach english in Japan, do something really different. What I've found is that it is not real easy, or real legal for someone of my qualifications and financial status to do. There is one program that claims all you need is an ESL certificate for about $1K. But everything else I have found says that you need a Bachelor's, and the certificate is optional. One of the biggest things with the degree is that work visas are most easily procured by those with a degree, or three years experience in a given field. There are some places that will hire 'under the table' so to speak, but I would be looking over my shoulder the whole time. Besides, by the time I pulled together the money for the certification course, airfare, and a month of survival funds I'd have paid for almost two semester's worth of tuition. The thing is, I don't know if I'm being realistic or cowardly. The thought of saving and planning for that kind of thing makes me want to forget the whole thing, despite the fact that I felt really strongly about it when I first had the idea. Add to it that just about everyone I've told thinks it's a great idea makes me rather confused about the whole thing. If I had the wherewithal to go shortly after I had the idea, I probably would have done it.

There is something to be said about going through this recognition of my shortcomings, but why does it always seem like I only do so right before bed? I'll get up tomorrow and crawl out of bed with just enough time to get to work, got through the motions there until I am fed up, and by the time I am home will not be thinking the same thoughts I am now when I have the power to do something about my situation. Oh Bother! Here's to climbing out of my rut in the daytime.